Is the age of the SkyNet takeover and the killer robot upon us?

It is if you ask Eduardo Valdez, the recently terminated employee of Yeshiva University’s cafeteria staff. Valdez is currently engaged in an active lawsuit against the university to protest what he feels is an “unfair act of downsizing,” in which his job as sandwich-maker of the cafeteria was recently terminated in favor of a refrigerator stocked with the same.

Until this semester, Valdez had been employed as the beloved deli sandwich maker of the YU cafeteria. His skills were legendary; around 4:30 pm, hours before the official opening time of dinner, scores of students would line up outside the doors, eagerly anticipating a taste of his culinary prowess. In student conducted surveys, Valdez’s sandwich station consistently received the highest marks in the categories of taste, presentation, and satisfaction, far surpassing the other cafeteria-run departments.

“Valdez had skills only found once in a generation,” said a teary eyed Daniel Goshransky. Goshransky, leader of the fledgling student movement protesting the downsizing, continued his tearful account: “Every sandwich that he made was a work of art that came carefully packaged with love. Students would come from all over the Heights, even from other universities, just to sample his creations.  I mean, what is wrong with this school?  Why would they let everyone’s favorite sandwich maker go?”

According to Valdez’s lawyer, the driving forces behind Valdez’s job dismissal were far more nefarious: “It’s 100% a case of racial discrimination. As my client is Hispanic, he was clearly targeted for elimination from the school’s budget because of his race, probably as part of some twisted notion that his people lack value in the workforce.”  When informed that the entire cafeteria staff was comprised of other minorities, including Blacks, Jews, and other Hispanics, Valdez’s lawyer responded by eating a sandwich.

Mark Sanders, a Professor of Economics at the Syms School of Business, disagreed with the lawyer, saying that this downsizing was not targeted, but that “this represents further trends of automation in society.” He explained further, “If you look at statistics from the last century, our country has consistently been increasing its reliance on mechanized production and modernization. From the streamlining of the Ford Model-T with assembly lines to the use of robotics in factories, America has always been working to cut costs for manufacturers through automation. Yeshiva University’s purchase of a refrigerator to replace Valdez is merely a continuation of this trend, as the refrigerator can obviously produce quality sandwiches much more quickly and efficiently than a man.”

Valdez himself offered comments to the press, marking his lawsuit as representative of something more than just his job. “I mean, sure, I’d like to have my job back,” said Valdez, “but this injustice is bigger than just me.  Today it may just be me replaced by a refrigerator, but tomorrow it could be any of you! What happens when you accountants are all replaced by calculators, McDonalds workers with self-registering cash registers, and soldiers with killer robots? Its only a matter of time until everything is automatic and the machines take over.”

In its response, Yeshiva University denied all allegations of having an agenda of spreading technology too far. “As a Modern-Orthodox institution, we believe strongly in placing limits on what we take from modern society to protect our Jewish values. We are against the mindless purchasing of new technology just to stay ‘in’ with everyone else.  Why do you think our dorms don’t have air conditioning?”

“The decision to buy the refrigerator to replace Mr. Valdez’s job was purely business,” said the YU spokesperson. “We have no intention of heading down that slippery slope of technological consumerism that Mr. Valdez seems to think we’re on.  Admittedly, we have started instituting caf card usage at local restaurants, we have purchased some new computers for the library, and we did satisfy President Joel’s need for a new iPad. But really, we’re only moderate fans when it comes to technology.”

In other news, reports have been heard that Nagel’s Bagel’s is soon to be replaced by a vending machine.