Following the announcement last semester that RIETS would be implementing a porn filter in all the dormitories, very little has yet to change.

The halls of Muss, Morgenstern, and Rubin are still just as unusually quiet as always, with students still walking around with their heads bowed in guilt whenever they pass a female or one of their Rebbeim.

Many students have simply assumed that RIETS gave up on the process of, most likely due to financial reasons. Students of a more cynical nature have pointed to the dearth of single Semikha applicants—students who would usually benefit from free dorms. (At the same time, YCT applications have skyrocketed, with the most desperate of students choosing to enrol in Mechon Hadar.)

Following an exclusive interview with the RIETS office, The Quipster has finally unveiled the reason for the premature end to the filter—there was no way for RIETS to test it.

“We contemplated offering IBC students the chance to try and watch pornography for credit,” explained one unnamed RIETS official, “but no matter how hard we tried to persuade the Deans that it was the Madda complement to the Torah of Shacharit, they refused, unless we were able to bring a sample syllabus—something Google wasn’t able to provide in an atmosphere of hashkofos hatoirah.”

Following that attempt, RIETS sought a more direct means of ascertaining how strong the filter worked. “Remembering that the YU Areivim knew talmidim who watched pornography, we encouraged the Roshei Yeshiva to subtly inquire if anyone in their shiur had the “knowledge” to test the filter. Unfortunately, after Rav Yitzchok Cohen bludgeoned to death several of his talmidim in a very public mussar schmooze, we stopped that line of inquiry.”

RIETS was at an impasse. How could they end up testing the filter? “One of our last ideas,” described the official, “was to force the sganei mashgichim to do it. We all knew they were getting fired at the end of the year, but what they didn’t know was that we were also planning on revoking their semikha too—just for the hell of it. This meant that as soon-to-be non-Rabbis, they were as insignificant to RIETS as everyone else outside of Glueck. We urged the sganei mashgichim to take up their holy calling and test the filter for the benefits of the talmidim, but they claimed it violated their job description. In all the years that they have been here, never have they quoted their job description. I don’t think anyone—including them—actually knows what their job description is. Unfortunately, after telling them this, they became uncooperative, claiming that as they are soon to take up roles as Academic Advisors in Syms, they didn’t need to answer to us anymore.”

Following the announcement to the Roshei Yeshiva that the filter was being cancelled, there was uproar. Eyewitnesses say several of the Roshei Yeshiva suggested simply removing the student’s modems from their Atari’s. Others explained that if the talmidim were encouraged to wear an extra pair of tzitzit, this wouldn’t be an issue. Rav Sobolofsky apparently used that moment to say that if the other Roshei Yeshiva encouraged their talmidim to attend more YU Connects events, there would be less worry about this sort of thing. (Unfortunately, Rav Sobolofsky was rushed to hospital shortly afterwards, following a vicious head wound inflicted by a gemara Yevamot that was hurled at his head. As all the Roshei Yeshiva triumphantly claimed to have done it, so the police decided not to enquire any further.)

Despite all of this, one thing is for certain. As you are reading this, there is a chassid on the 2nd floor of the library who travelled all the way from Brooklyn to watch porn in public on the computers.