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|Surprise Candidates Enter YU Presidential Race|
|Written by Josh Hanau|
|Thursday, 26 April 2012|
Washington D.C. descends on Washington Heights.
The tree in Washington Heights is blooming, signifying the arrival of spring. IBC students are whipping out their traditional short pants and lounge in the sun, while the MYP bachurim are flocking to the beit midrash, where air conditioners billow a stream of cool refreshing air. The perfect conditions only add to the excitement of yet another school year coming to an end. However, beneath all the apparent tranquility there is a palpable tension. The Yeshiva College presidential campaign for student council has arrived on campus, and it is fiercer than ever.
Some students promise better events, while others promise more awesome events. But despite all these diverse campaign guarantees, two candidates have managed to stick out from the pack. The first of these candidates is “The Perfect Fit” according to Kol Hamevaser. His name is Rick Santorum, and he pledges to bring religion back to YU. Santorum announced his candidacy immediately after dropping out of the Republican primaries, viewing YC as the perfect place to test his ideas that combine religion and governing policy. Some of his campaign promises include banning The Beacon and all other publications approved by Satan, and dissolving the biology department if it doesn’t stop teaching about evolution. He also plans to force all students in the university to be baptized in order to save them from an eternity of fire and brimstone.
After the first SOY-MSNBC sponsored debate, Santorum was a clear frontrunner in the polls, with almost 65% of YC students favoring him. “I just love how he’s trying to get rid of all the kefirah in YU. With the art department gone, all he has to do is get rid of the Bible courses, and then I might even tell my little cousin to come here instead of Landers,” said one YU student. When a second student was asked about the forced baptisms he immediately replied, “Who cares, he’s pro-Israel.”
But Santorum’s win is no sure thing. Texas Representative Ron Paul is quickly rising in the polls. Paul is gaining appeal among many YC students, who feel that the school's fiscal situation needs to be remedied by enforcing responsible spending. The first thing that Paul intends to remove from the budget is the foreign aid, which YU gives annually in the form of CJF missions. “Enough of this nonsense! It is not the YU tuition payers responsibility to look after the children of Nicaragua,” said a furious Ron Paul. Paul also intends to cut the number of Maccabeat performances from every single YU event to three out of four.
The presence of such qualified candidates has led many analysts to predict this to be one of the most heated elections in YC history. With The Jewish Week waiting to pounce on any perceived failures of the new student council president, it is crucial that students pick the right person to lead the school to a more prosperous future. Each YC student must ask themselves two very important questions: which candidate has the best poster, and more importantly, who’s giving out the most free stuff.