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|Shadowy Group Claims Responsibility for Recent Events at YU|
|Written by An Innocent Bystander|
|Sunday, 05 February 2012|
The Beacon's sexual rendezvous article was an unimaginable success, they say.
Early yesterday morning, The Quipster was contacted by a group of unidentified Yeshiva students who claimed that they were behind the recent series of scandals that have plagued YU. The events the group has owned up to are the infamous Beacon article about a Modern Orthodox sexual encounter and the soon to be installed porn filter in the dormitories. The students who called The Quipster told us, amid much giggling, that the past few uneventful days have merely been the calm before the storm. We managed to keep them on the phone long enough to discuss some of their work and attempt to find out what could have motivated such behavior.
Apparently, these students believe there is a secret conspiracy at the heart of Yeshiva University that is committed to oppressing students. Among the proofs given for this conspiracy was an accusation that YU's foreign students were trained international assassins. There were also some interesting claims about what the room formerly known as the Cafe Store is being used for in the hours that are not (according to YU) breakfast time. At this point, we decided to move to other lines of inquiry. It soon became clear that in addition to trying to ruin YU's reputation, the group was responsible for the Associate article that attacked this very newspaper.
Once we discovered that these students had attacked The Quipster itself, we began to really wonder about their goals. Surely, we thought, everyone should realize it's not the best idea to insult a site that makes fun of things professionally. Also unclear was why the article they composed was so poorly written and open to attack itself. In order to gain a better picture of what the group might have been after, we consulted The Quipster's terrorist expert, Rasheed Wilson, at his home in Washington Heights. “I don't know who you guys are,” Wilson stated, “but if you don't leave now, I'm calling the cops.”
It was briefly speculated that the attacks on the Beacon and Quipster might indicate that the group was comprised of staff members of some other YU paper, but the group was quick to inform us that those papers were going to be met with scandals of their own soon enough. At mention of this, those on the other end of the line broke into a fit of horribly affected evil laughter and we decided to end the call. The identities of the group's members remain unknown. But it is speculated that with the amount of free time they have, it might be likely that they are YP students.