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|Desperate Manny Ramirez Signs with Burns Security|
|Written by Eli Lebowicz|
|Thursday, 26 January 2012|
A former star has come back to his roots.
Yesterday, YU officials announced that former Washington Heights native Manny Ramirez has signed a one-year contract with Burns Security here at YU. The always-shrewd power-agent Scott Boras was allegedly able to secure his formerly elite client offers for a security position at schools like Harvard and Yale, but Ramirez decided to settle on YU. According to Boras, Ramirez has always wanted to return to his old stomping grounds so he could chill on the grass like he used to when he was a teen. The contract states that Ramirez will be paid 20,000 hot dog pitas from Golan, with added incentives of unlimited Vitamin Water and Thursday night cholent. Baseball analysts consider the price YU is paying a steal.
Representatives from YU boasted about their new move, saying, “We realized what a great addition he’d be to our team. Everyone knows that Manny was getting lazy toward the end of his time with the Red Sox and most of his time with the Dodgers. Well, we found the perfect job for him. Manny can now scratch himself and eat as many sunflower seeds as he likes. Are we a little worried that he’ll occasionally make an error or two and ask people to see their IDs as they’re leaving the building? Sure. But just as long as he doesn’t leave his post because he thinks his shift is over, he shouldn’t ruin the Burns Security name.”
Ramirez’s lackadaisical attitude isn’t the only reason he’s been a controversial figure. Last year, after violating baseball’s substance-abuse policy for the second time, he decided to walk away from baseball rather than serve the 100-game suspension. But it seems that this move might be perfect for him. The Washington Heights, a neighborhood flourishing with opportunities to abuse a number of substances for an affordable price, seems like it might be a great fit for him.
Ramirez has always had a fondness for the Heights. He told reporters, “There’s such an eclectic mix of people in this neighborhood. There’s Orthodox Jews walking around with their North Face jackets and Abercrombie shirts. And right across the street you have second-generation Dominicans who are so passionate about their culture that they’ll play their music on full blast no matter how late it is. Plus, there are plenty of Torah lectures being taught in the area, so I can finally solve the ontological issues about life that have been bugging me. Where else can you have such a diverse melting pot of communities, and such a wealth of knowledge in such a condensed area? Nowhere but here.