The YU Literacy Club was developed a few years ago as a social action project by students wishing to help the many children of Washington Heights who struggle with their schoolwork. It was also established because it looks fantastic on a resume.

Having enjoyed tremendous success last year, the club now faces one of its biggest challenges yet: tutoring the students of the (Sy) Syms School of Business. (Sy) Syms, which narrowly avoided dissolution last year because President Joel and the Board deemed it “a waste of time filled with bums” [slight paraphrase], decided to strengthen its academic integrity and respect by ensuring all its students could read.  

“I think this will really take (Sy) Syms in a really positive direction,” said (S)SSB Director Moses Pava. “A lot of schools don’t appreciate that their students speak English, but that is not the case here. Most of our students are from foreign countries where English is not their first language. The fact they are probably all high doesn’t help either. We want to show the YU community that we are committed to becoming a genuine and legitimate institution. We have received unwavering support from our board members, both past and present.”

In a moving letter sent to all (Sy) Syms students, which was read publicly in seven different languages to ensure a full understanding, former (S)SSB board member Bernie Madoff stressed to the students the importance of reading: “There will come a time when many of you, like me, will take the skills you learned in the exam rooms out into the real world. Most of you will, please G-d, succeed in cheating; however, for those of you who will get caught, the only thing you’ll really be able to do in your jail-cell is read.”

There was a mixed reaction to the letter from the students of (S)SSB. Haiim Doueck from Brooklyn, NY expressed his personal views to The Quipster: “Why I have to learn to read? My friend tell me when classes are so I can skip them, and it is very easy to copy exam without reading words.” Pasqual Janvier from Paris, France also felt the need to read was unnecessary: “The Ponzi scheme of (S)SSB class of ’13 has learned from all of Madoff’s mistakes; we have no fear of going to jail this time.”

The head of the YU Literacy Club, however, remains positive and told The Quipster about the first task his team faced: “We expect to be spending at least the first month focusing on the words ‘cheating is forbidden.’ There are a lot of syllables in there so it could’ve been the reason all along behind (Sy) Syms’ reputation.”

If that fails, YU may need to consider changing the front of the exam booklets to say, “cheat = bad :(”.