“Who needs to know how to write if they’re gonna get married?” proclaimed recently engaged Sarah Steinbergermanhurtzberg.

This week, the Stern College Writing Center (SCWC) was shut down after its fifth successive week without appointments. When asked why this was, SCWC worker Michelle Simons replied, “Girls just never want to admit they need help. They think they can do it all on their own, and, when someone gives them a bit of constructive criticism, they take it personally and continue to hold a grudge on that person for the rest of their life. As a result, no Stern girl will go anywhere near the SCWC.”

With the end of the writing center, Stern contemplated what to do with the empty space. Some wanted to turn it into another art classroom, but most wanted to make sure that the name SCWC would remain, regardless of what it would stand for, as Jews have an unhealthy obsession with acronyms. It was then that Sarah Steinbergermanhurtzberg let out a high-pitched shriek, threw her ringed finger in the air, and screamed “WEDDING CENTER.”

The proposal to turn the writing center into a wedding center was met with a chorus of high-pitched shrieks followed by a unanimous vote in its favor. Even those five Stern girls who pretend to not care about getting married or the “shidduch crisis” were thrilled with the idea. Miriam Kleinbergermansteinberg, a wedding center tutor, explained what exactly a wedding center does. “Well, primarily it’s just a place for Stern girls to go and show off their rings and shriek and talk about their fiancés and shriek some more. But, for those few who don’t want to decide on a dress, a hall, a band, the colors, the caterer, the guest list, the seating arrangement, and all that jazz all on their own, then the wedding center is a place where they can work on those things with professional tutors, although this has yet to happen.”

When asked what was meant by a “professional tutor,” Miriam said, “Well, it’s a lot like a writing center tutor in that aspect. Just like they need experience with writing, we need experience with weddings. Therefore, all tutors must have been recently married, so it’s all still fresh in their mind. They also need recommendations from several guests who can confirm the tutor’s skills at throwing weddings.”

The wedding center plans on collaborating with YU Connects and the Shidduch Shuttle in order to ensure that they don’t run out of clientele.