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|Following Miami Heat Loss, City of Cleveland Now Able to Die in Peace|
|Written by Eli Lebowicz|
|Tuesday, 21 June 2011|
Sunday night brought much celebration to basketball fans across the country as the Dallas Mavericks bested the Miami Heat after six games, taking home their first NBA title.
The win wasn’t just memorable in the realm of basketball; it transcended the sport by granting peace of mind to an entire city.
The city of Cleveland, which supposedly "rocks," according to Drew Carey, has been slowly dying since July 8 of last year, since someone decided to rip out its heart on national television. With the Heat making the NBA finals this year, the series became an important one for the city: it was able to see its former star and notable douchebag, Lebron James, lose quite publicly. It was so fitting to see the jerk that made Cleveland forever cringe at the mere word decision, fail in front of the media circus he created. Cleveland was able to cheer just as hard for Dirk Nowitzki, the star of the Mavericks, as they had previously cheered for Lebron.
After Sunday night’s game, representatives for the city of Cleveland said, “After seeing that a-hole Lebron choke again on national television, the city of Cleveland is now able to die in peace.” Cavaliers’ owner, Dan Gilbert said about the Heat loss, “See? I told you.” Reporters did not explain to Gilbert that the Heat's loss did not equate to a win for the Cavaliers. The city of New York had wonderful insights about the Heat's loss and stated, “Did you know the Knicks made the playoffs this year? By the way Jeter’s gonna be the first Yankee to get 3,000 hits. Rex Ryan’s the freakin’ man.”
Realizing that it did not have much time left, the city of Cleveland had a will drawn up, to declare its last wishes. It decided to leave the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame right where it is, fully aware that it is the only other tourist attraction besides the kosher Subway. The Cleveland Browns has been left to the city of Dallas, in a clause which rewards whichever city to make Lebron look the worst with the team. A spokesman said, “The city figured now that the Browns and Cowboys could sort of combine teams and thought that this may help the two teams not suck as much. Hopefully, the new merger can utilize the theatrics of the abysmal Cowboys, and the actual talent of Peyton Hillis, the only good player on the Browns, to form a not-so-crappy team.
The Cleveland Indians and all of Drew Carey’s stuff will be given to Hall of Fame broadcaster Bob Uecker. Uecker, who was the announcer for the Cleveland Indians in the Major League movie series, seemed like the perfect beneficiary. He was selected to get Carey’s stuff because he looks a lot like Bob Barker, who Carey replaced on The Price is Right (did you follow that?).
The city’s final request was that its nickname be changed from the “Mistake by the Lake,” to “The Place Where People Live On Purpose.”