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|Eliyahu HaNavi Pulled Over for DUI after 78,431st Seder|
|Written by Eli Lebowicz|
|Thursday, 21 April 2011|
As many Jews around the world ushered in the holiday of Pesach, one person in particular still was in more of a Purim mindset.
It seems that Eliyahu HaNavi, the famous seder-hopper, was pulled over by LAPD for driving under the influence at approximately 2:30 am, Tuesday morning. Eliyahu, who is currently ranked number 3 navi on E!’s “50 Best Navis,” was just leaving his 78,431st consecutive seder when LAPD noticed that his donkey was swerving quite frequently between lanes. Once LAPD spotted Eliyahu’s middle-Eastern complexion, they, being the most racially colorblind police force in the world, decided to pull him over.
“His light brown, ‘92 Chevy donkey isn’t too hard to spot either,” reported the LAPD police chief. Aside for the fact that he rides a donkey, he also has a license plate on the back that reads “HATSHBI” and bumper stickers that say “Live Forever” and “Do You Believe in Miracles?” It might be his lack of inconspicuousness that has led to some of the run-ins he has had with the law. Last year, he was also given a ticket for double-parking outside of a bris in Brooklyn.
As police approached the donkey, they detected heavy scents of Rashi and Joyvin wine emanating from his breath as he was humming the tune of Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.” The officers told him to step off the donkey and to recite the Aleph-Bet backwards. After failing to do so, he then reportedly told officers, while clearly upset, “Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I gotta get to 2 million (expletive deleted) seders tonight. Plus, I got like 3,000 brises tomorrow. I don’t have time for this. Now which one of you pigs took the keys to my donkey?”
The officers proceeded to take Eliyahu into custody and he spent the night in jail. His donkey was towed to a local farm nearby. Publicists for Eliyahu completely deny this event‘s happening, claiming it’s a disgrace and a lie. The head publicist told us, “The allegations about Eliyahu getting a DUI are horrendous; he would never ride a donkey on Yom Tov.” Another publicist told us, “Eliyahu doesn’t even ride a donkey… he can fly.”
Regardless of how valid this story may or may not be, I think we all know that this night was definitely different from all other nights.