Sheen asks Maccabeats, "So, I'm asking you now, what are some of the good songs that your warlock brains produced?"
Yesterday, Charlie Sheen continued his tirade of ridiculousness. This time however, he was not targeting the producers of Two and a Half Men, the CBS hit show from which he was recently fired. Rather, his newest rant was aimed in a completely different direction.
It seems that as Sheen kept checking Facebook to see how popular his interviews and videos were, he kept noticing that people were constantly posting links to a new video. It was evidently a new music video released by the Maccabeats in honor of Purim. After googling “what the hell is Purim?”, he discovered that the Maccabeats are an a cappella group from Yeshiva University that had made headlines in December for their Chanukah song “Candlelight,” a parody of Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite.” While doing further research about a lawsuit that Cruz had filed against the Maccabeats for making his Christmas song “too Hanukah-y,” Sheen kept replaying the popular new Purim video, destined to find flaws with the “hoodlums” who have stolen his “media thunder.”
The Maccabeats, who have been adored by nearly every Jewish female in the country ages 8-99, are trying to eclipse the four-million-plus YouTube views of “Candlelight” with their newest video. But if Sheen, who often refers to himself as a “winner,” causes as much trouble for them as he has caused for CBS, getting all those views might prove to be a difficult task for the group.
Sheen’s winning ways have been questioned, considering he wasn’t even competing with anyone. When interviewed recently, he was told that people thought he had bipolar disorder. After asking what that meant and being told it means going to both ends of the spectrum, he said, “I’m Bi-Winning. I win here and I win there.” Sheen also kept mentioning the word “epic” for some apparent reason. In addition, he has been reported as saying that the Maccabeats should have “manned up” and used real wine in their video, even if there were kids there. Sheen has been rumored to let his 2-year olds drink Jack Daniels while staying up late. When asked about how alcohol affects him on Purim, he said. “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. Purim doesn’t feel any different to me.”
The Quipster decided to try to get a first-hand perspective on the Sheen-Maccabeats issue. He started out by saying, “They picked a fight with a warlock.” After reminding him that A) the Maccabeats didn’t pick a fight with anyone, except maybe Manischewitz, and B) that warlocks weren’t real, I tried to stay on the topic at hand as best I could.
Did you expect to stay in the spotlight forever? Don’t you know that all YouTube fame has to die eventually?
I’m still alive, which is pretty cool. Dying is for fools. Amateurs. It’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been it on a Mercury surfboard.
Are you jealous of all the potential shidduchim offers that the Maccabeats, especially Noey, with his new sombrero, are getting from their newfound fame?
If you think about it, I’m 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.
Pretty sure I didn’t ask about baseball. Has the Purim video made you take a look at possibly converting to Judaism?
Newsflash: I am special and I will never be one of you.
That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think? Do you think you’ll win this battle? How could you have made the video better than Uri Westrich?
I have defeated this earthworm with my fists. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I’ve got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips.
Out of curiosity, what do you think Haman’s opening line was when he came to Shushan?
There’s a new sheriff in town and he has an army of assassins.
But back to the topic of this year’s Purim. You were reported as saying that you thought you could make a better video than the Maccabeats. Do you really believe that? Also, have you considered what you will be for Purim?
I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total rock star from Mars. I got tiger blood, man. I have Adonis DNA.
In previous years, you dressed up like members of the Rat Pack and the Rolling Stones, and yet you still lost some contests for Purim costumes. What’s your response to that?
The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, look like droopy-eyed armless children.
It feels like you have an addiction to delusions of gandeur.
The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.
What did you think of the cameo of the Greek soldiers when they came to the Purim seuda in the middle? Did it seem like they were a little unprepared for a Purim seuda?
It’s like, hey, dude, you should have read the directions before you showed up at the party.
What would you do if any of the Maccabeats were in your family?
If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.
It seems like so many people have said that they liked the Maccabeats’ new video. How does that make you feel?
Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls.
Now what would happen if I told you that I liked the Maccabeats’ video?
Your face will melt and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Sheen’s comments, though erratic, may have more credibility than the ramblings of a fool. Even Chuck Norris is rumored to having said, while blindfolded and texting as he beat up someone, “I don’t know how Charlie found out so many of my secrets. But he’s starting to make me look bad. Good thing I’m Chuck Norris and awesome.”
The Maccabeats will have to see who wins the Youtube war: them or the warlock.
We're not (completely) making this up...