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|The Devil Wears...Hoodies?|
|Written by An Innocent Bystander|
|Sunday, 21 November 2010|
Startling undercover research by a bold reporter who wishes to remain anonymous has yielded shocking discoveries about a certain popular clothing store.
Our reporter, to be identified in this article as V, stated that he/she wanted to keep his/her identity under wraps in case “the conspiracy in Zoolander actually exists.” V told us that he/she knew that, as ridiculous as that sounds, his/her findings did scare him/her enough to believe that it is possible that the popular comedy from 2001 was on to something.
American clothing retailer Abercrombie and Fitch is known for their quality clothing marked by their famous moose logo and exorbitant prices. Yet, while these facts are pretty much all that is known about the clothing giant, V wanted to dig deeper. The results of his/her investigation are incredible and answer such questions as why the prices are so high and why the mascot is a moose, all while painting a frightening picture of depraved pagan rituals being practiced today in the United States.
It is apparent from shockingly explicit pictures captured by V that certain ranking members of the company's hierarchy have been engaging in sacrificial rites in order to boost sales. These sacrifices are performed bi-monthly and seem to consist of multiple participants in ornate dress and one moose to be ritually slaughtered.
At this time, it is unclear how the moose, or moosen, are transported to the sacrificial sites or how many of these rites are being performed around the country. However, these findings may explain the insane prices demanded by Abercrombie for its clothing. The tens of thousands of dollars needed to purchase six moose per year for each ritual location combined with transport costs are defrayed by customers' purchases.
In addition, research has indicated that the company was, in fact, struggling greatly in the late 1960s until it was bought under new management in 1988. It is impossible to say with certainty if the sacrifices were responsible for the reversal of the company's fortunes, but it does make one wonder.
V would not disclose how he/she got close enough to the company to find out about these practices for he/she intends to go back undercover in an attempt to discover more information about these sacrifices. Whose idea were they? Who are they sacrificing to? Why the moose? And can it be possible that the popularity of the company is actually driven by some occult devil worship of some kind?
Disclaimer: the above article is a work of complete fiction driven by a slightly insane imagination. If the bearer of that imagination were to not be sued that would just be so great. If he were, he would probably have to plead insanity.